THE GIL-MONSTER

Okay. I'm off to SIMCON. To reiterate, my games are at 12-4 today and 9:30-2 tomorrow.

See you there!

I sold a monster today; the adorable little Rot Demon, to be precise...

And with the purchase came a message: "I saw a review of your work on Toy Break." And I just kinda went HUH WHAT ARROOOO!?



Check out my evil little beasts at around the 17:40 mark!

This has been a somewhat historical week for me. Not only has Chenille Macabre been favorited 300 times by Etsy users (this would be classified as "bitchin', yo") but- pinch me! -Carman has friended me on MySpace.

...NOT the fat kid on South Park. Minus the "T". Carman.

...How could you NOT know who Carman is:


In case you lack the fortitude to make it through this video in one sitting (I imposed my own guffaw-laden intermission upon first sight of the mynah bird), Carman is a Christian singer and rapper. If you consider "rap" sermonizing over a loud-ass drum machine, that is. Carman does.  Which gives Steven Seagal the authority to regard himself as a "thespian".

I'm very happy he friended me. My first impulse was to thank him and (of course) put up flyers in his comments section for both AMPUTHEATRE and Chenille Macabre, since my friends would permit this. And I assume he wants a set of AMPUTHEATRE. I'd happily make it for him; TBN would be an awesome channel to debut on.

This delights the shock-artist in me. Long have I desired the attention of faux-morality figures like MC Raps Like Sponges Tap-dance here. I'LL friend ya, Carman!

Besides, My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult are also Carman's friends... (that's a MySpace page; NSFR*) And another of Carman's friends is a rockin' horror band called Calabrese. I'll have to friend them if only to tell them that I found their unholy music through Carman.

Sigh... dark artists meeting and gathering under a fundy's nose. It's heartwarming.



*Not Safe For Retinas

Okay, here we are in the theater watching the most exciting, gritty, well-acted, and expensive BOOK REPORT ever committed to film: Watchmen.

Let's get the good out of the way. It's not "unfilmable". Much of the movie is absolutely stellar. The acting is on. Rorschach and The Comedian have Oscars coming- with gory death awaiting all who disagree. The story is faithful (too faithful. I was going to lend a friend my copy of the book, but I think I'll hold into it after she sees the film...)

But looking past all the giant blue dongs in my field of vision- which I'm sure is making an almost entirely male sub-culture that sees slinkier and slinkier tops every month on Jean Grey and Emma Frost very, very happy- I see a few nitpicks that I take serious issue with (and I am being as vague as I can):

1. If director Zach Snyder truly wanted to shock people, he could have thrown some boxers on Dr. Manhattan and LET LAURIE SMOKE HER FUCKING CIGARETTES. Just like in the graphic novel he is trying so desperately hard to ape. Wasn't this the appeal of Watchmen; that the heroes were all flawed? Or is this the one concession that Snyder allowed movie-goers who have never read the source material? We're not going to let the protagonist smoke. Oh by all means- keep raping each other and chopping dogs in half, but there's gum in the lobby if you're really twitchy.
2. From the O NOES HE RUINED MY FAVORITE SCENE HE MUST DIE!!111!1!!! File: There's a great scene from the comic involving Rorschach having to go to the Men's Room. Not only does the film completely omit all the dialogue, it's also clumsily shot- are Nite Owl and Silk Spectre actually watching what he's doing in there?
3. You know why there's no Topiary scene in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining? Because Kubrick knew that it would have looked nothing short of STUPID! They didn't have the technology to pull off the illusion. They knew better. So who the hell greenlighted that four-alarm awful CGI giant lynx Bubastis? Snagglepuss would have looked more convincing, and it's made all the worse by the fact that Bubastis does nothing that a slice of pie can't handle. Fuck the fanboys- Bubastis should've been nixed altogether.
4. And what was up with Tricky Dick's prosthetic makeup, while we're on the subject of nixin' things (rimshot)? When did we elect a real wooden boy to the Presidency?

And two hours and forty-five minutes later, I walked outside; carefully stepping over a bizarre beast- half man, half beard- stabbing the front doors like a broken bottle of Scotch screaming OY, gi'us back moy AY-leen SQUID over and over again. (I explained as politely as I could to the man-beard that MY interpretation of a "changed ending" is "Obi-Wan never told you the TRUTH, Luke: SHA NA NA are your fathers! Now let's sing Sh-Boom!")

And I drove home. Satisfied.

Which is BAD.

There's a recession going on. "Satisfaction" should not come at the cost of ten bucks per person. Especially after The Dark Knight raised the bar so damned high.

So I guess I'll wait for that special DVD Director's Cut of Watchmen, with the forty more minutes this film needs to be truly legendary.

Hmmm. Later on this evening, my siblings-in-law are passing through. Tonight's out.

Tomorrow...? Hell no- BIG PLANS for tomorrow. Way busy. Not Saturday either.

Well, then Sunday sounds- No. You know what? Never mind. Because every comic-book geek will be in the theaters this weekend, and (shut up) not every comic-book geek BATHES.

Except the one we saw in Starbucks this morning: neatly combed, bright white Captain America polo shirt (shield on the lapel, Silver Age Cap on the back), wide stance, only bought a cookie. Indeed, his was a confident air of I took off work to see this movie and I even showered for it.

But he's the exception to the hurtful stereotype which every Star Trek opening weekend and gaming convention I've attended has proven TRUE.

But Gil-Monster, it will send a message to Hollywood and convince them that R-rated comic book movies are a solid investment What? Where ARE you? I hear you, but I can't SEE you- the shoulder-to-shoulder masses seem to be emitting some form of riot control agent...

So yes, I can wait to see Watchmen.

IMAX? Sure. But in Odorscope?

While it might be a complimentary extra, no thankee. (deep inhale) Wow, it's like I'm RIGHT HERE in the pedophile's house with Rorschach and the split-skulled Shepherds voiding their bowels upon death! Hey, now they're on FIRE!

...Just in case you haven't seen it yet (and with eight minutes before Watchmen opens worldwide to us plebeians),  Rorschach's Diary has been discovered and put up on LiveJournal.

So it can safely eat jellyfish without getting nematocysts all over its retinas, this fish evolved for itself a transparent skull and interior rotating eyes.

...Nature fucking rules!

The AMPUTHEATRE website is back online, as a subdivision of my own Chenille Macabre.

Bliss. Much needed bliss.

Now I owe Pencognito a fresh batch of herring cookies and strawberry tequila.

My friend Gramatan linked to the Top 25 Conservative Movies as determined by National Review Online. And like a fool, I've read it.

O embleer Frith.

And as I've been sitting here writing as long as I have ("Thirty minutes TOPS, Gil-Monster!") and the confidence of I'm entertaining my readers slowly atrophies into There's a billion other things I could be doing, the concept of These people are out of their tiny little minds similarly coalesces into They KNOW that they're dorks and they're REVELLING in it.

...Meh.

Well here's what I have. Apologies for sloppy seconds on some of the jokes.

eXpelled: No Intelligence Allowed, An American Carol, and the Dirty Harry movies: nowhere to be found. No Dirty Harry Callahan? C'mon! The Dead Pool was an Ann Coulter column brought to agonizing life! 

300, Heartbreak Ridge, Master and Commander, Red Dawn, The Chronic(WHAT!)cles of Narnia, Braveheart, and The Lord of The Rings Trilogy all made the list. These are films that are about wars- wars that writers for the National Review can just talk about without fear of having to actually fight. The best kind of wars. So I see why these made the cut.

There's a thousand jokes I can make about NRO liking 300. I have time for two. "Heartily recommended by Larry Craig and Mark Foley, 300 is the epic story of hot, young, oiled-up, muscular studs in tight red briefs stomping across the Persian landscape! Red-blooded, patriotic viewing for any man! AND their WIFE! They're married! They're married, so he's not gay!"

But let's see what they said:

During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free.

Yo. DUMBASS. It's called "Google". Stop-Loss, anyone...? Last I checked, George W. Bush was still President in 2008. Thank you for playing, NRO. Diane, show our contestant these lovely parting gifts.

Or maybe I'm just mad because Raiders of The Lost Ark didn't place. I had money riding on that one. The villain is a French piece of shit, and the climax is a super-mega-FX-driven triumph of theology over science! If fucking GHOSTBUSTERS can chart because one of its foils is from the EPA...!

I know what you're gonna say: "Gil, why are you wasting your time on this stupid fucking bullshit?"

...Oh.

I actually didn't know you were going to say that.

(....)

...Well, I'm going to pretend you were gonna say "Gil, everyone knows Raiders CAN'T be a conservative movie because Indiana Jones distressingly fraternizes with Arabs." Doesn't matter. If there's a dichotomy in any of the films on this list, it is fiercely ignored.

So The Dark Knight is a conservative movie because it demonstrates the effectiveness of wireless wiretapping. Oh-KAYYYYY. What about the premise that vigilantes are often more trouble than they're worth? Over and over throughout the film, the Joker torments Batman with his own existence. "You complete me!" he assures.

Was there a correct way to watch this movie? I loved the film, but I also got the notion that if Bruce Wayne worked within the law and used his wealth to (for example) overhaul the law enforcement- instead of going it alone, done up like a fledermaus- there wouldn't be a Joker. And Gotham City would still have a hospital. But Batman can't quit. If he takes off the cape and cowl, crime in Gotham will resurge. The paradox is a nightmare of his own making.

Yes, NRO- this film does remind me of Bush's wartime actions. And not in a particularly heroic way. Maybe if Batman never actually tangled with The Joker, and instead sent over 4,000 Robins after him- none of whom returned- while merely using his battle suit to give press conferences, the metaphor would be complete.


...I'm going to end this with a quote I love, from Charles Pierce of The American Prospect, back when he went over NRO's no-less-preposterous Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs:

I liked it so much better when conservatives weren't trying to be cool. I liked their, stern, iron-jawed parental disapproval of everything that happened since Calvin Coolidge blew town. I liked it when they thought it was all devil music sent by Khrushchev to take advantage of a young populace already weakened by fluoride in the water and Elvis on the electric television set. Becoming a young conservative meant you made a conscious choice to be the least cool person in your immediate social circle. You made a principled, rational decision to be a humorless little prig, and you were proud of it. People knew where they stood then. Now, though, we have boomer conservatives playing with popular culture and hurting themselves. Trust us, when you refer to some of the songs on your list as “little-known gems,” you're already pretty much blown what little cred you may accidentally have picked up on your shoe.

And before you ask: no. None of the songs were Nugent.



EDIT: I stepped out of the shower with an epiphany. They killed babies in 300...!

To hell with "partial"- Our Brave Conservative Heroes practiced full-birth abortion on any newborns thought not to grow up into spear-flinging beefcakes!

That's fourth trimester, you hard-right headcases!

ARGH!

Okay, this is that big crazy thing I was warning everyone about, and here it is:



These eight figures- Malice, Gnash, Jinglebunny, the Jack of Clubs, Ashezz, Nine Lives, Mr. Eyeball Plucker, and Mandibula- are the first wave of AMPUTHEATRE figures currently for sale at the Chenille Macabre Etsy store.

Each one is custom-made by me, has removable limbs and a head, and will come with their Slasher Sheets, Bloodcounts, and game markers. I am asking between $25-40 for the figures, inherent upon the effort required to make them. To make them affordable, the figures have been scaled down to 3" in height, and they play on a 6 x 8 square grid, with spaces measuring 2.25" square (in case you wanted to get started on making a board...)

I always said I'd never do this, because it would be nothing sort of in-motherfucking-sane and I'd never meet demand. And yet, there's something liberating about doing these all by myself... no compromises on their appearances, no ungodly costs towards plastic production, able to change their costumes if I like... yeah. This should be fun.

The rulebook is coming soon. Honest. It's packing art from Preacher42 and Sirwacki, so I want it as bad as you do. But I wanted to get the figures up today- Friday the 13th- in preparation for the possible Wikipedia article about this game.

This is the first wave. Next up are Lycosus, Crucifiend, Trigger Treat and the Thicket. I'll have them up soon. I want to see how well these guys do.

...And for the record, game testing will continue. Send me some evenings that you would be up for it.

Wish me luck, okay...?