THE GIL-MONSTER

...After watching Fantastic Four (2005) last night as part of Preacher42's birthday (under the cover of suppressing fire from the ever-talented Mike Nelson and his buddies from RiffTrax) I have but one question for every society-isolated Marvel Comics zealot who gave this talky whiny costumed asshole opus ten-star-ratings over at iMDB: Do you people know what movies are supposed to be? To give this film ten fucking goddamn stars is to tell the world, "Initially, I was perplexed when I was brought to the enormous, dimly lit room- where rows upon rows of chairs were all strangely situated towards a curtained wall with a conspicuous white center- but with darkness came an enormous, colorful sequential series of photographs across the surface of white, shuffled at an incredible rate of speed to give the illusion of motion! Add to this a musical score- as well as a medley of appropriate sounds and speech perfectly timed to the events unfolding upon what I later learned was called a "screen"- and I cannot for the life of me cease recommending this new and revolutionary form of entertainment!"  

Fantastic Four- foreshadowing the action and the acting we're going to see- opens with a shot of a giant iron statue. And before this goes on, I should point out that- in what can only be called a unicorn-rare move in making movies of comic books with rich, established histories- the backstory has been altered. Just to warn you. In the corporate offices of Von Doom Enterprises (yes, it's called that. "Von Doom: Working for a better tomorrow: IF TOMORROW EVER COMES!!!"), nerd scientist Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) and gruff pilot Ben Grimm (The Thing) bug CEO Victor Von Doom for enough Doomdollars to fly into space and study some cosmic radioactive anomaly. Victor rubs Reed's nose in a lot of his own failures, especially DoomCorp exec Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) who dumped Reed for Vic. 

Doom's top pilot is Johnny Storm (The Human Torch). Johnny is an ex-TREEEEEEEEEEEME, hot-rodding, motocrossing, arrogant, son-of-a-bitch. I realize the Torch is supposed to be a hotshot, but truly- the screenwriters cranked up the cockiness and yanked off the knob. Thoughtlessly, he can't stop making fun of Ben's handicap once he's been cosmically transformed into the big orange rock thing. ("Where are your ears?" he asks after Ben's wife has left him forever.) When he's not thwarting Blastaar's plans in the Negative Zone, does Johnny Storm run backwards in front of the competitors in the Special Olympics' 100-yard dash, and taunt them with "C'mon Gimpy, keep up!" I'm just curious...

Nerd, Ben, Asshole, Victor Von Gates and little Nancy Callahan (all grown up) botch the space mission up but good, and get themselves immersed in the infamous, superpower-giving cosmic rays from space. Later they're all under medical quarantine in the country of Latveria. Johnny's nurse, a vapid idiot, doesn't call the doctors when his body temperature rises to 207 degrees. Instead she releases him and they go skiing/snowboarding together because snowboarding is ex-TREEEEEEEEEEEME!!!! His fledgling fire powers cause him to wipe out on the slopes, incinerate his Gore-Tex, and form a Jacuzzi in a snow drift. I'm not making this up. He invites the nurse to join him. She does. That's not made up either. 

(dropping to one knee) H.E.R.B.I.E., I don't know where you are right now. Likely you've either been deactivated by embarrassed Marvel writers, wrapped around Wolverine's face by a bemused Magneto, or bitch-slapped by R2-D2. But wherever you are- if you can hear me- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever questioned the substitution of The Human Torch for you in that infernal excellent Saturday morning Fantastic 4 cartoon on NBC.

Now hideously grotesque and deformed, Ben arranges to meet his wife on the street at night. Running outside in her negligee, she freaks out on sight. This prompts Ben to mope on a Manhattan bridge. When a suicidal businessman climbs the bridge and also freaks out upon seeing Ben, he falls into traffic. In an attempt to save him, Ben crashes and destroys several cars and trucks, risking the lives of people who haven't given up on life. Reed, Johnny and Sue show up to help Ben, and Reed's great plan is for Sue to take off her clothes so we can see Jessica Alba in her underwear she can properly turn invisible as her clothes can't disappear with her. In spite of having caused millions of dollars in property damage, snarled up traffic for miles, and injured The-Watcher-only-knows how many people, these fantastic four people are treated as heroes.

As is customary for superhero movies, there's the obligatory "coming to terms with your powers" sequence. It's learned that Johnny Storm can increase his flame to the intensity of a supernova and destroy the earth's atmosphere. "Cool", says the colossal moron, and he tries it. Thanks, Cosmic Powers That Be- couldn't someone with a notch more responsibility have received this power; say, Idi Amin or Caligula? And, as Johnny walks down a hall we see Reed's elastic arm stretch across it from one room into another. and retract with a roll of toilet paper in its hand. THANKS as WELL, movie. That's just what I wanted to think about before I die: Mr. Fantastic taking a shit. 

No, let's PONDER this; O mighty House Of Ideas, O Mighty Marvel Bullpen!! Come the time to wipe, we lesser men have to just reach around and hope for the best. But not World's Greatest Scientist Reed Richards, who theoretically can stretch his whole torso directly before his butt, voluntarily expand his asscrack, scrub it down real good with both hands, pry a buttock open with his amazing elastic fingers to best reach those "trouble" areas of his anus... does Reed Richards get hemorrhoids? But: his arm was fully clothed- meaning Reed still had his leotard on. To be fair, the FF's costumes are made of unstable molecules, and I guess they can form crapflaps on their asses when they have to, but my money says Geek Science deems that childish and stupid. ...I know! Obviously Reed can crane his anus between his legs, up his chest, and out the front of his collar! Maybe Mr. Fantastic shits standing up! Happy birthday, Preacher!

Meanwhile, Doom is slowly turning into metal and- Do you suppose The Thing deposit giant, smelly coprolites? Does he have to swing by the rock quarry after gorging himself on Taco Bell? Anyway, Doom can now fire beams of pure energ-hey, what about Sue? Can she actually control the opacity of her feces? If she was really, REALLY pissed off at Reed, say, I Told You To Stop Grabbing Psylocke's Tits-pissed off, could she pinch invisible loaves in the major traffic areas of the Baxter Building as the pettiest of vengeance...? 

All right, all right. Doom can... fuck this. DOOM is a brilliant maniacal dictator with a kick-ass suit of armor and plans for conquering the world. DOOM is the greatest comic-book villain of all time. DOOM was the inspiration for a little-known badass named Darth Vader. The putz that this film would have you believe is Doom not only doesn't talk in the third person, but not one "BAH" escapes his lips! This is NOT Dr. Doom- this is more like Dr. Bad Feeling. Capturing Reed Richards, Dr. Bad Feeling takes his coveted Latverian Humanitarian Award and wears it on his face. Yes: he received his cold, evil, form-fitting steel mask as a PEACE PRIZE. You're right, iMDButtheads: I "just don't get" this movie. Explain its charms to my finger. 

The ending sees The Thing and Dr. Bad Feeling crashing through the bottom of an indoor pool and, hitting each other all the way, riding the resultant water slide- a Doom flume!- out the window of a skyscraper, where... fuck it; I'm done.

...Fantastic 4. O Embleer Frith. What an empty experience. What a non-movie. I liked Roger Corman Fantastic 4 a lot better- you know, the one made for four million and never released...? (I'll have to talk about that one soon.) I don't even have a quote for the title of this post; that's from Twisted Toyfare Theatre. I guess that's the cue for when I totally loathe a movie: no official line from the script. Dammit, photographs of action figures in various poses kick this film's ass in terms of excitement. Stick a fork in me. Go to the Agony Booth if you need to know more.

I liked the movie we saw last year for Preacher's birthday a lot better. ...You remember! 3 Dev Adam! Spider-Man goes apeshit; kniving and shooting people, and Captain America has to enlist masked wrestler Santo to both help him beat up Spidey and drop various office paraphenelia down the front of his wrestling tights...? Made a fuckton more sense than this film. And: your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man ties a guy's face to a Habitrail so a guinea pig can devour his eyes! J. Jonah Jameson would stand in a fish tank and lick the New York City power grid for a photo of that!

"So you see, Ben: metaquantum physics dictates that HOLY TAP-DANCING CHRIST DO YOU SMELL THAT? ...FUCK, not again... SUE!!!!"
(arms crossed, looking away) "I don't smell anything..."
"Bitch."